The True Belonging We Long For
Going through my own Placeholder was such a meaningful experience to create my own sense of belonging.
“There lies the longing to know and be known by another fully and humanly, and that beneath that there lies a longing, closer to the heart of the matter still, which is the longing to be at long last where you fully belong.
- Frederick Buechner, The Longing for Home
This is the epigraph in the masterpiece work, “Reunion”, by Jerry Colonna. This quote was also what he opened our circle with at the recent Reboot retreat in May.
In that circle, I realized everything I did in my life was an active pursuit of belonging.
For a long time, what I thought I longed to belong was the "right" job, the "right" company or the "right" status. It was about being accepted by others, in the circle THEY created or in the way THEY designed. But at the Reboot retreat, I finally realized it was about acknowledging I belonged where I stood, no matter what.
This belonging was possible not because of the status or rights other people have endowed with me. It was only possible because of the meaning I discovered by delving into Radical Self-Inquiry and taking actions accordingly in the Placeholder. At times, it felt like I was going against what was "right" for me - the familiar career path and comfortable life. Yet it was the status quo to break, not to stay in.
That Buechner’s quote has been ringing in my mind louder and louder this week as I observed what was unfolding in LA and SF recently. Although I was not literally being taken off the street by ICE, I suddenly noticed the fear inside, which whispered to me, 'Keep your head down so you don’t get noticed.'
In Reunion, Jerry wrote, “Like my ancestors before me, far too often we remain silent when our friends and peers denigrate anyone who doesn’t look, talk, walk like them. Or anyone who doesn’t fit the model of who or what we were supposed to be….To belong, I chose not to see things. We chose to remain silent.”
Like this, the fearful self in me was telling me to stay quiet, because "I don't belong here unless they let me in." The familiar old story.
But I know now the sense of belonging doesn't just depend on others. It's what WE CREATE for ourselves.
Understanding what truly mattered to me in the Placeholder, I came to see my wholeness, although that might not be what was expected of me. As a result, I got to create this work I am doing now which feels genuinely true to myself. As Michel de Montaigne said "The greatest thing in the world is knowing how to belong to oneself," I belong to myself.
By reuniting with stories of my ancestors, looking into things I did not want to see and truly accepting them as part of myself, I got to show up in my own wholeness with more courage. "I belong here and no one has to vouch for it." As soon as I tell this to that fear in me, it became silent.
And this is what we can do now for one another. To foster systemic Belonging, Jerry Colonna invites us to ask ourselves the following questions:
“How have we been complicit in, and benefited from, the conditions in the world, in our communities, and among the people we claim to love that we say we do not want to exist? And, more, what do we have to give up that we love and value—including perceptions of ourselves as descended from princes—to create the systems of Belonging we want?”
I will walk in protest on June 14 in San Francisco and this will be just a beginning.
I hope you find your own way of speaking up and showing up, for the true belonging we long, not only for ourselves and but also for all of us.
